> isn't anyone trying to find me.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

look at us and see our smiles
this is where we all belong
i'll remember the times
we spent together
until my last december <

I DONT SPEAK CHINESE LIKE AN ANGMOH LAHH, STOP SAYING I DO ! everyone's bullying me ): even susian lahh, what kind of xiao di is that ! grrr.

ogl camp. it really rocked, except for that dumb firedrill. i only slept 2.5 hours. and my knee got injured after 100 pumpings. but i still loved mass dance (: we finally learnt 5 colours in her hair ! (((: triple high ! hahas.

i was just speaking to mr jeremy chee on msn, it went someth like that

karolynn :
whats your r5?
jeremy :
6
jeremy :
whats yours?
karolynn :
wah lao
karolynn :
so good lahh !
jeremy :
it's only r5, havent add the l yet.

dam funnehh lahh =D.

oh oh, wai ip is in the same class as jenna lahh ! (: hahas, i was dam excited when i heard that news. jenna kee wun yee, my primary school bestie ! =D.

someth amazing is happening, and i just realised it. but what sucks the most is that its obvious that he does not feel the way i do, but maybe thats a blessing in disguise, after all he's not really the best candidate, ahh wth. maybe im just contradicting myself.

hahas, anw the word contradicting makes me think of what happened ytd at kfc.
i was sitting beside paul lahh, then this mother came in wiv toddlers in her trolley.
karolynn :
ehh so cute -taps on paul's shoulder. CUTER THAN YOU LEHH !
paul :
-turns and looks
karolynn :
of cos, you're not cute at all
paul :
ehh youre contradicting yourself you know

WHATS WIV MY BROTHER AND HIS HAIR?!

oh my gosh, i took one hour to type this -_-"

thank You Lord, for honey water

throw me a lifeline
11:23 AM

___________________________

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

i like the way you never sleep
and the promises you never keep <

-sigh.
its been ogl stuff and homeworks for me. i quite like the concept of studying now, and im really trying hard to stay up and awake during lessons, and i mean lectures too. well except for econs, which im currently ponning, =D.

dam im exhausted, but what the hell, my book's super engrossing, i almost couldnt bear to put it down to do homework. <33, nicholas sparks, the rescue. its been sucha long time since i read loveydovey stories like this, not that its really loveydovey, ahh, what the heck, im absolutely making no sense.

ogl camp's approaching, and i weirdly feel like just quitting it. yea well, majority always wins, and i have to learn to tolerate stuffs like that, wth, i just dont really fancy it. i dont know what i want anymore, acjc? jjc? normal student? ogl? letting go? holding on?

ive realised many stuffs recently, and i realised keeping things to yourself is always the best. (: luckily i have my diary to really write things out, or maybe i should password this thang, hmm.

gaelan gu finally relented and stopped torturing me (: i know his lil secret finally, but what the hell, i knew it like since last year, but he confirmed it wiv me, and he's still the best... the best lab partner ! =D. shit lahh, i was so looking forward to this saturday, maybe it was really just fate huh gu.

shit this is really random, ahh what the hell, i dont like computers and handphones and tvs, they're all so distracting. i just wna sit in my room read my book and suck on my octopus lollipop <3 -i love. (:

dont you just wish that sometimes time would stop for you to take a break and then catch up. i really wna know what my future holds for me. do i meet mr perfect? will i get kids? will i really be a teacher? do i work my butt off for a's or just hecked it? ahh, whats all this talk about mr perfects? maybe i should give relationships a break, after all, 7 is more than enough, but i dont even recall 7, i only remember 2, what shit is this? what shit is perfect? closure just reminds me of you, long fingernails just keeps me plucking, a perfect laughter a perfect smile, that perfect day we watched a perfect show in a perfect setting where you were perfect. the perfect movements, your perfect fingers, the perfect ~~kiss~~. it now lingers just as a perfect memory, and i really cant stand the perfectness of it all, it still haunts my brain, thats what ive realised. and some people just dont understand why, -looks at gu.

i really really dont know what im typing, its crap, perfect piece of shit.

youre a goob, my goob (: hahas =D i really like that word.
and i really like kukunut as well
and retarded

ahh what the shit, i think im retarded.

who do i really like? maybe im just a person on the rebound looking for anyone, someone to help me. its what im like, i need to find a better person to let go of perfect you. is there anyone more perfect than perfect? hmmmmms. and what is really perfect? AHH, WHAT THE HELL.

and my right thumb is officially sprained, it hurts so, and it sucks.

did i mention i twisted my ankle (AGAIN) ytd during pc, like what the hell can. everyone was like, why do you keep spraining your ankle? my ankles are weak, just like me.

this post is really really crappish and retarded and kuku. but youre still my goob (:

thank You Lord, for ball games

throw me a lifeline
9:31 PM

___________________________

Saturday, February 18, 2006

all our lives we had fun
we had seasons in the sun
but the stars we could reach
were just starfish on the beach <

acjc funfair today. met so many primaries (: -i love. went wiv my girlies, too bad chris couldnt make it ): i love my henna, its personalised wiv my name ! ((: haunted house was so dumb, i was screaming the whole bloodeh way, it was freaky and it wasnt the scariest haunted house CAN. ):

charmaine's mother very kindly gave me a ride down to alexandra where i met my mom in the hallway, we went to get food =D. read my book for an hour plus til bryan and sean came. played some really weird game wiv them both and joseph, my bloodeh 9-year-old uncle @#$%^&* ! had a really nice talk wiv aaron, who's also my uncle, and who's also younger than me. at least he's sec4 only. (: and i dammit forgot to ask for his contact number, well we'll bump into each other, probably next year cny, haha.

og dinner last night. i very nicely changed places wiv cuimin to avoid beef and stupid paul went to take beef, and i very kindly ate two pieces. conclusion : beef sucks ): i pulled zhiming wiv me to find someth for linchuan, BUT ended up buying noth. ): we ended up talking about our life and all while standing at world of sports, HAHA. hmm, i think i pulled the wrong dude, should have pulled zhiyao. their patterns are more similar, but what the heck im getting chocs, i dont care.

bloodeh chem test next week, lucky for me, my ogl camp falls nicely on the day of the test (: i'll avoid failing the first test of the year ! (: i want an econs test, anybody behind me? i wna fail so ive got a good excuse to change to lit.

gaelan gu's a tough nut to crack, the bestest bestest bestest bestest bestest best lab partner in the whole wide world ! but im gna manage it one day, im feeling it coming to me soon. he'll get sick of me whining and bugging him, unless mr gu, you enjoy it !

oh and yes, ng hong ming rocks cos he supports ronaldhino like i do (: his favourite soccer player just like me ! (: and ng hong ming rocks cos he brought me along to do someth (: haha. send my regards to mrs ng wen zhuang alryyt =D. haha, you should bring me along more often, i wna play squash too !

i better start studying.

once youve put your mind to someth, stick to it. once youve made your decision, stick to it. SHUCKS.

great granma's getting WAAAAY better, she squeezes my hand and nods when i speak, i love her (:

thank You Lord, for healing powers

throw me a lifeline
10:05 PM

___________________________

Friday, February 17, 2006

i'll stop the world and melt with you
you've seen the difference and it's getting better all the time
and there's noth you and i won't do
i'll stop the world and melt with you <

terrence says:
i love karolyn (:

thats how terrence m'boy greeted me (: perked my whole day up.

and anw, thanks to everyone who msged me, thanks to those who listened to me sharing my stuffs.

ive been really dam freaking sian diao in school the past few days, 15th cos that dumb shit happened, 16th cos i heard some bad news, but i still love my og, they make me smile and noth (: and i love mass dance, it makes me crazily high - i love ! (:

supposed to meet zhiming at 6.45 today, i ended up waiting fer him til i met paul lahh, and paul very nicely waited wiv me for zhiming. and that zhiming msged me what he tell paul not to meet him cos he'll be early, fancy that. paul arrived at je earlier than zhiming. rushed down to school, we were like idiots rushing into the school, and someone else collected the tags fer us alr.

road run today, i walked the whole way wiv siokhui, and arrived late for the ogl thing. at least i was on time lahh ! mass danced (: it always ups my mood real good, i love mass dancing (: wait im obviously repeating my point.

i arrived home so darn early, that i watched 3 shows can ! sky high, coach carter and just like heaven.

og dinner tonight (: dammit, lijie's like so off can. we taupoked him and he still din wna go, what the. alryyt, i better go off, im having a problem wiv the word clothes now, for the dinner.

gaelan, i wna know lehh, PLEASE? =D

thank You Lord, for tissue papers

throw me a lifeline
5:30 PM

___________________________

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

everybody's screaming
i try to make a sound but no one hears me
im slipping off the edge
im hanging by a thread
i wna start this over again
so i try to hold onto a time when noth mattered
and i can't explain what happened
and i can't erase the things that ive done <

everyth that happened was my fault.
all my fucking fault.
its right for me to be ignored while he kills me
its right for me to be called stupid
its right for me to be left alone and die.

what the fuck.
i hate this fucking family, it isnt even counted as a family, what kind of fucking parents are these people.

you can call me stupid, you can leave alone to die, then the next fucking day act like as if noth fucking happened last night.
fuck you. and you.

and stop blaming the other party when its your fucking fault.

its at this time that i realise theres no one here that fucking understands me.

throw me a lifeline
5:21 PM

___________________________

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

thiis post iis for gaelan gu (:

ya know, ii only slept 5 hours lahh, iit's pretty scary when you say thiings liike that wiivout telliing me the detaiils ! ):

anw, ii better start bootliickiing now (:

gaelan gu, youre a wonderful lab partner, ii'll rmb the tiimes we spent tgt iin the lab, you always on-iing the bunsen burner, and me always lookiing for you to help me on iit =D. yepp, and rmb how when you asked me to censor thanks, ii diid ! see, iim so niice, so please tell me? for typiing thiis post, ii know ii'll be late meetiing someone, but see for you, iim typiing iit ! ): haha, and ii'll turn eviil iif thats what iit takes, ah gu gu ! tell me lahh ! ): and ii gta rush now, before he kiills me ): but you can bet on me diisturbiing you the whole day tiil you tell me !

and as you can notiice gu, iim doubliing all my ii's ! so does that make me cute? okay, fiine, iim a bloodeh act cute alriight ! =D

throw me a lifeline
6:28 AM

___________________________

Sunday, February 12, 2006

have you ever loved and lost somebody
wished there was a chance to say im sorry
cant you see
thats the way i feel about you and me baby
have you ever felt your heart was breaking
looking down the road you should be taking
i should know
cos i loved and lost the day i let you go <

went to visit great grandma ytd, and will be going today. she's really getting better, i almost cried cos of that. she's really totally wonderful, my mom was telling her about my results and she kept nodding, and i could see her eyes start tearing, that moment i wanted to just hug her and scream i love you to her and cry nonstop. ytd i was looking at my grandma, then i wondered what will happen if she were to just go like that, shit lahh, i will take a month's mc from dehydration due to crying. ): i dont want anyone in my family to die, except maybe one person? ):

and bryan's a really really dammit cute person lahh. im referring to my cousin btw. haha, he's primary 5 and he's only up to my armpits ! and he has a flawless complexion, i love. he's really dammit cute, ytd at the hospital (:

and im sorry i got so fucking pissed ytd, i should have just zaoed wivout going up. i think if i could i would have run the whole way to relieve my anger, but i didnt, trust me ive never walked so freaking fast in my entire life, my legs almost broke when i finally cooled down. im sorry guys.

got this off clararara's (my rocking darling !) blog >

10 YEARS AGO I:
-was in nanyang primary school for the first time.
-still went to church.
-was freaking smart, i got like 90 and above for every subj.

FIVE YEARS AGO I:
-was in primary 6h, a dammit rocking class i tell you (:
-had like 10 crushes?
-was still going for swimming lessons, weixian ! (:

TWO YEARS AGO I:
-was in a super duper wuper rocking class, 3c !
-went to china in june.
-met bryan fok =D.

ONE YEAR AGO I:
-learnt to love and went through another heartbreak.
-sat for my o's.
-gave my second kiss away.

YESTERDAY I:
-was fucking pissed.
-went out wiv ber evelyn paul and menghow.
-was a road marshal (:

TOMORROW I WILL:
-be going to school.
-not sleep in any classes, or doodle, or whatever, i'll pay attention !
-hand up my jae form thingy online.

THREE SNACKS I ENJOY:
-lays potato chips, the salt and vinegar flavour !
-ruffles potato chips, the cheddar cheese flavour !
-mnms, the crispy flavour !

THREE THINGS I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT:
-prayer.
-my friends.
-my family.

THREE THINGS I COULD BUY WITH $1000:
-the best medicine for my great grand ma
-my dream wallet.
-a bag (:

BAD HABITS
-i can cry freaking easily.
-im super duper wuper lazy.
-i buy things when i have no money.

THREE THINGS I WOULD NEVER WEAR:
-my mother's clothes.
-a bikini, i think.
-anyth kiddish.

FIVE SHOWS I LIKE:
-alot like love.
-just like heaven.
-qiu tian de tong hua <3
-ladder 49
-raise your voice.

THREE PLACES I'VE LIVED:
-holland.
-another place in holland.
-jurong east.

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
-karolynn.
-karo.
-karol. (?)

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
-i really like my eyes even though they're so small.
-the fact that im a child of God.
-my pierced ears (?)

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
-SNAILS.
-injections.
-heights.

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
-sleeeeping.
-eating.
-thinking about life, or someth or another.

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
-clothes
-clothes
-clothes. (:

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS/MUSICALARTISTS:
-simple plan.
-a1, a looong time ago.
-i quite like jay chou's songs, not jay chou though.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
-november chopin's songs - jaychou.
-memory - sugarcult.
-and errm, actually i dont have favourites.

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
-i wna get a belly ring !
-paying attention in class =D
-to love another person.

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in noparticular order):
-i wna go nigeria.
-i wna go japan.
-i wna go jamaica.

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
-pay attention in class =D.
-be home on time everytime i go out.
-finish the 99 bomb minesweeper flags.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
-sleeping?
-reading !
-blasting.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
-GO TO THE LIBRARY, but im reaaally lazy.
-see someone.
-go back to my bed.

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
-a math teacher
-a pe teacher
-opening a childcare centre.

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
-london.
-paris.
-new zealand.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
-get married.
-have two kids.
-to get 5 true friends.

i took one hour to do this? right, i better smack my ass and go to the library, maybe after a nap? then it'll be down to the hospital.

thank You Lord, for food

throw me a lifeline
12:08 AM

___________________________

throw me a lifeline
12:08 AM

___________________________

Saturday, February 11, 2006

minesweeper producers should seriously think about putting a button that says "undo last step".

and i still am pissed
wiv a capital p, wait, a font sized seventytwoed p.

throw me a lifeline
9:35 PM

___________________________

i am fucking pissed.
with a capital f.

if you talk to me, i might just kill my phone.

throw me a lifeline
6:06 PM

___________________________

Friday, February 10, 2006

burnt my heart and burnt my lips
cross my heart and drown in this kiss <

i wrote that two lines up there. it just somehow boing-ed into my mind when i was eating dinner. my mind's freaky, really.

i think my olevel results suck big time. i mean, its not bad enough to make my parents want me to stay in jjc and its not good enough to convince me that i should go to another jc. why cant i just get higher than what i got now? this sucks. why does everyone tell me different things? i guess its time i make the decision on my own ): dammit lahh. who thinks i should stay in jjc? who thinks i shouldnt stay in jjc?

anw, i got lost in SINGAPORE wiv manu today. we took 51 thinking we'll end up in queensway, but wow, we went all the way to eunos? freak lahh. wasted the time, i really wanted to get my studs. and i was starving the whole journey. so my ezlink's broke, but at least i got my ic today (: and the first thing manu had to say was, "your eyes are dam small" yes thank you very much girl.

tears of joy or tears of anguish? everyone's been saying i did a good job, even my mom msged me "great", and my dad was happy wiv it. shit, i think i really did a bad job, i was really expecting a single digit for my r5 lahh. freak it. maybe im really weird, i dont expect so high of others yet i want it for myself, and i never do accomplish anyth.

today was quite weird for me, neck snapped in all directions looking for a familiar face, nope, was late. but whatever, i saw them tgt, i felt noth, noth, noth. i wonder if thats a good thing or a bad thing, whatever. it could have been me, but do i want it to be?

your results arent horrible to me, youve made an enormous improvement i think. i mean look at your past results and then compare to your results now. i think youve improved, and i really think you can make it. if what i think matters, you just read it, and im just proud that you passed everyth.

this post is like really crap, and i dont know what im supposed to feel now, happy? what do i really want? what does He really want of me? more of Him, less of me.

5am tmr morning, i have to wake up that early ): 6am at choa chu kang, i have to be there that early ): 7-12, i have to stand that long ): -sigh, at least i'll have time to think and reflect back, and figure out what He wants of me in life. (: besides, i have til weds 4pm to sort my thinking out.

thank You Lord, for independence

throw me a lifeline
8:56 PM

___________________________

zai shuo wo ai ni
ke neng yu ye bu hui ting
hei se mao yi cang zai na li
jiu rang hui yi yong yuan ting zai na li < l

let's go random today
>im not scared about receiving my o's results today.
>now im scared about that fact -points up.
>bridge session wiv monkey ceci and gloria, finally !
>kailin, thanks so much (: , i really appreciate the fact that you msged me, im really really touched, you rock girl !
>supposed to go down to umpire ij vs henderson, match got cancelled, but i still got paid.

have we ever stopped and wonder what's life all about? isit just a dumb thing where problems and sad happennings are thrown to us. it's never always happy. a book once wrote "when everyth's going too well for you, you better watch out". is that really true? getting into a relationship and marriage, arent these two even more problems? yet why does everyone nosedive into it? dumb move. maybe i should remain single after all. hmm, maybe i should reach 10 ex-es, then i quit the love game and adopt two kids, raise them by myself. or maybe i should live all alone, then when i die in my house, no one knows. maybe that's why people get married huh, so when they die, at least there's someone there to hold the funeral for them.

i get freaked out when i think of things like that.

thank You Lord, for sandwiches

throw me a lifeline
7:45 AM

___________________________

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

youre asking for a second chance
but its someth that i cant offer <

can you imagine losing someone thats close to you, someone who dotes on you who loves you the moment you breathed your first breath? i cried when i found out my great grandma's in the hospital wiv a stroke and she's paralysed on her right side. 106 years old, she's lived a long life, and a good one i hope.

i never could converse wiv her, it was always orh, okay on my side while she talks and i just simply couldnt understand a word. shit, i really should have learnt cantonese ): my grandma said that when i was younger, each time my great grandma patted me on the head, i would run away. i remembered when i was in primary school, each time we visit my great grandma and my grandma, we'll leave them wiv a kiss and a hug, and "i love you" i wondered why i stopped doing it.

i went to visit her this evening wiv my family, apparently she fell at night and her brain got damaged or someth like that. tears welled up in my eyes but i didnt cry, i wonder why? and then i got chased out of the room cos i was coughing. she pushed my hand away as i reached for it. i was dam sad ):

when i received the call from my dad, the world just went blank, all i rmb was paul was shh-ing the rest when i exclaimed the word "hospitalised". and i rmb staring into space and one tear dropped followed by the next and then a third. tissues appeared. haha, my og turned those tears into smiles. it was dam fun being wiv them, thats why i love my og (:

i dont know whats wrong wiv me. i was suddenly thinking and i realised im quite a fake (?) and i just dont know what im feeling anymore, its like as if im void of feelings, i dont even feel the adrenalin rush i did each time i see my ahbeng, its more of like i got used to it. and no, i dont miss you. i mean im actually not really nervous bout getting back my o's results, i mean what's the big deal? its just a freaking piece of paper. and i dont know lahh. i think im sick of this world. and i just really wna scream the f-word out from the top of a hill at the top of my lungs. screw this shit.

JUST SHOOT ME, SOMEONE.

thank You Lord, for dancing

throw me a lifeline
9:20 PM

___________________________

Sunday, February 05, 2006

gen ye feng yi yang de shen yin
xin sui de hen hao ting <

all the zodiac-ers have been saying that those born in the year of the snake will be every "wang" in all aspects this year, including love. then why does my heart break just as 2006 comes? then i realised that wasn't chinese new year yet (: it was just getting rid of the errm, imperfect one to make sure that im free for the perfect one. i stayed awake from like 9.30 to midnight rolling around in my bed thinking bout all of these. ive often said im not totally over my first love yet, but when i really think back, i cant really rmb what happened, all i knew was that i really loved that guy, but thats all i rmb. well this happenning to me again, and im really thankful. well, im thankful that He let me experience a heartbreak so i know what to do. and im really thankful that i stopped at one cut only, that ~~suicide~~ was on my mind for just 10 hours? many things happen for a reason, we might not know it now, but one day we will. this may not be my one day, but i think i do know what happened. i happened to bring the perfect ones back tgt, and im just happy to see that youre going on fine, that you really didnt make the wrong decision. perhaps you were not my wan mei qing ren, but a window that made way for my door, but whatever it is, i thank you, cos youve actually really made me grow up, and realise things that i dont think i could have learnt wivout this heartbreak.

through this heartbreak ive realised that friends are a musthaves, they are really the ones who pick you up when you fall, and once again, i thank mindy and ness and nard for bringing me out and making me laugh and tolerating my laughter thru chronicles of narnia. i thank loke, zhengliang, kevin for being the ones who comforted me thru sms-es. i thank mesy and joy, who rushed down to just check out how i am, and bought for me a tigger. i thank oo for that one msg that made me laugh, "he's a jerk, not worth it", up til now i still wondered why i laughed. i thank joe and fok who really gave me many advices. i thank ngsy, who is my *ahem* best cousin ever, who might not know that she helped me. she got over her jerk so fast and that made me realise that im not supposed to dwell on this heartbreak. i thank guoxi and kevin for this quote even if it wasnt meant for this heartbreak "more of Him, less of me" i especially thank my lab partner, gaelan gu. who have really been wonderful thru this whole thing. i never realised how wonderful til that incident occurred. who was really the one there for me, gave me so much advice that i wonder what i could have been wivout him, still not knowing what really happened? still stupidly holding on for noth? still as immature in my thinking? yepp, thanks gaelan gu jia hao ! (and i cant stand your name being so similar to mine, you change yours!) =D. and i thank a certain ahbeing of mine, -looks at gu (but its not gu!), who helped me let go easier (:

i dont know when you might see this, but i just wanted to tell you that i think ive gotten over you, flashbacks might occur, but im definitely over the memories, i can no longer rmb the details of what happened. why did He bring us tgt? "maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift" why did He break us up? "when the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often times we look too long at the closed door that we dont see the one which has been opened for us" He brought us tgt to let us be more appreciative of our wan mei qing ren, He broke us up for you to meet your wan mei qing ren, and mine will be sure to come soon (: thats what ive realised. i rmb once i was sitting wiv paul in the canteen and i drew your initials on my paper and paul asked, whos that? i replied, a jerk. paul : is he a playboy? me : nope. paul : is he a flirt? me : nope. paul : then what? me : a jerk, a heartbreaker. paul : is he an asshole? me : HAHA, yes. paul : a bastard? me : HAHA, maybe. and paul just went on and on and on, and he kept repeating his points, but are you really a jerk a heartbreaker an asshole a bastard? no, i dont think so, you are just not made for me, but for someone else. and my reflection, the 1/100 of the words that was written "i started this school term wiv a heavy heart, but through the camp, SMILES began to take over my frowns" the actual thing was, "i started this school term wiv a heavy heart cos someth REALLY BAD happened to me (which was this heartbreak) but through this orientation, smiles began to take over my frowns." yepp, ive learnt that life still goes on. haha, i mean take a look at evelyn, that siao girl, she's also heartbreaking after her ex, but she's still so happy. its the way we look at life, and ive realised that dying doesnt solve all problems, neither does sleeping. being happy and thinking of things in a positive way then solves all problems (: but haha, sleeping solves all problems still sounds cooler ayye? yepp, you take care, and hows sunny the sunflower? i bet it's dead by now, wiv you suffocating blue roses and all. haha, take care of fluffy and especially of you since im officially letting go as of now, 7.04 am, sunday, 5th of feb.

this morning when i was toileting there was this beetle that was crawling towards me, dam scary. then it crawled UPWARDS. hell pro lahh, it was fascinating looking at the beetle. and i just realised maybe sometimes if we looked from another point of view many things would not be so complicated alr. (: "always put yourself in others' shoes, if you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person too" how often are we so selfish to think of only ourselves, that we never realise that actually the other party's hurting too? yepp, maybe we all should go back and reflect, we cant blame someone for doing things their way, its their personality, we might get hurt, but how often have we realised that others are hurt too for hurting us?

011205 ; 0000, this time might be etched in my mind forever but soon more meaningful dates will cover that date up. it was really wonderful to be wiv you to experience care and concern from that way once again. (: thank you for the pleasant times, and the crying times that made me realise whats a heartbreak for, its for us to learn, to grow, to realised things. more of Him, less of me. thank you, really. maybe its time you stopped thinking of me, and wholeheartedly place your heart and mind and soul into her arms, i loved you and it'll be a great gift if we could just remain as friends as time passes and you could live on happily and learn someth from this incident. please be more decisive, and please stick wiv your decision once made thats why i asked you think it through and i was right, someth DID happen in the chalet, that changed your decision. thank you, dethronedd;

thank You Lord, for coming into my life

throw me a lifeline
7:19 AM

___________________________

Friday, February 03, 2006

hello there
the angel from my nightmare <

im still awake, and its a school day, the first time ever.
econs proj is finally done.

haha, i just wna blog to say that today sooxian called me "da jie !" haha, a student council from jj, who's birthday is on 2nd may, 1988 ! (: i have a xiao di who's actually older than me. hahaha.

and errm, in case paul lim chee tung sees this. YOUR NAME IS CUTE NOT FUNNY ! (: now you can call me nice. =D.

so i havent taken a photo of the person i want a photo of real badly. okay, now that sounds weird. haha. i think at this rate, tmr i'll be a walking zombie, so much for chionging chem hmwk? riiight.

and tonny fong, WILL YOU PLEASE STOP BULLYING ME, YOU BIG KUKU ):

thank You Lord, for mattresses

throw me a lifeline
1:19 AM

___________________________

Thursday, February 02, 2006

look at us, and see our smiles <

i love revelation today (: it was a blast. mass danced, and oopsies, i kept injuring paul. it wasnt on purpose lohh.

oh yes, menghow bought my reflection piece for me (: and evelyn told me that ber wanted to buy it for me. i was REALLY dammit touched man (((:

watched i not stupid too (: wiv belinda evelyn huijuan grace kaiyan sokkin zhiming menghow jithin and LIJIE (: okay, so i cried like some jialat person, i believe i was the only one who cried to that extent, it was really touching lahh. i used 4 tissues in all can. and i still think joshua ang is dammit shuai. (: and i started crying way early alr, its been a long time since i cried til this extent. and im still suffering from the headache it's causing me.

went out for dinner wiv evelyn and sokkin. cuimin and gangyi joined after that. then paul. then farid. haha, so left the place at ard 9.15? and the three of us were there at ard 6.30? haha.

im still thinking if i should pon school to go down to ngee ann tmr, but dammit, i needta hand in the econs report thingy. ): i really wna see ngee ann.

and i dammit hate econs report. its too stressing, im over tired. i practically died on the walk back from the hawker centre, so i gave up and took 335, and i reached home at 10pm, exactly, dam. i dont know why i so hate jc life, why's it so different from secondary life?

walked past a dumb and stupid canal place, it was a pity evelyn, or was it gangyi, who pointed out the stars shining. my mood just went down, and boy i felt the tears sting my eyes. why's it so hard? as evelyn and paul walked on in front, gangyi me and farid stopped and gangyi was saying that eve and paul can imagine the canal as the sea. and the concrete floor as sand. and that dumb statement hit me so hard, that "memories came flooding back". but, at least im no longer living in those memories, but creating visions of what i hope to become. thats a large move for me.

ahh, i better conc on that econs proj. i really wna drop econs and take up lit, but ppl are saying that's a dumb move.

thank You Lord, for busy status

throw me a lifeline
10:51 PM

___________________________

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

wo hui xue zhe fang qi ni
shi yin wei wo tai ai ni <

been really addicted to november's chopin. i cant believe myself too lahh. but after the kbox session its blasting jaychous for me. dam, ceci's gna be dam happy if she finds out bout this. haha.

my mom's making me read this handout about reading food labels crap? it's really dam lame i tell you. ): and boring, i'd rather read my caroline upcher book that i borrowed today (: i was dam bored lahh, then i realised that i could have gone to get my ic? dam, i need to find someone to go down wiv me soon. would anyone kindly volunteer his/her services?

ytd was really a blast man (: part of the og came down here. belinda huijuan sokkin siokhui menghow christopher paul zhiming. haha, and i forgot to return paul his dumb nametag again. i think im really becoming weird, what's wiv me and nametags?! and kuna refused to come down cos someone was here. i dont understand, why are they SO DAM PETTY? ): haha, we gambled, and i think i lost quite abit, thanks to them i had to throw in 4.80 lahh, at least they were nice and let me take back 4 bucks (: haha, ber was saying that paul win alot, there, he has money to give me my treat ! =D.

MET JOE TAN YTD ! ((((: > see i give you quadraple smiley ! haha.wasted i din see yibing lahh ):

going to watch i not stupid too tmr. im armed and ready wiv one pack of tissues (: haha, my younger brother came back and started screaming "jie, your joshua ang smoked in the show ! and if you wna watch you sure cry one" what siahh, break my heart lehh ): i dont care, he's still dammit freaking shuai (: haha, and zhiming was quite shocked when i said i cry at least once for almost every movie. i really hope there'll be mass dance tmr ! -crosses fingers. oh yes yes ! my reflection got chosen, or rather 1/100 of my reflection got chosen, and being the retarded me, i took pics of it =D.

kianhao's really really really lame. haha, but it was fun sitting between him and ber during chi. hahaha, i laughed my head off. and he gave me a "ding qing wu" HAHA.

ohh, me and ber bought lollis ! (: -heartmelts. it's dam cute. two for us, one for kian hao, one for edmund. their birthday presents. haha ! there's a bell on mine and ber's, DAMMIT CUTE I TELLYOU. i was screaming when i saw it. =D.

this post is quite long, and i dont think im even halfway done, haha.

ahhh, sharon's leaving for aust tmr ! ): my primary bestie ! and i cant send her off !!! ): marcus was practically screaming when he said "but she's your best friend!" and i know ! ): im gna miss her i think ): why are so many ppl leaving. wonder how's ryo now. i wish i left for vietnam, and never returned, never to know this stupid reality.

it's been exactly one month since that stupid orchard incident, and tmr will be the one month since it was officially over. when i saw your ~~nick~~, the only thot that ran through my mind was, that phrase you used it on me once, why's it so different now? but i dont feel that bad alr, i guess ive changed alot during just a month. i was dreading taking o's results, facing you would be the worst thing, but now, i cant wait to see you again, to see for maybe the last time, a face i loved, a face that i'll forget and move on. im confident i'll do it. (: it really was easier than i thot. haha. yupp.

anw, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MESY. i love you girl (: loads, and youre never bugging me alryyt ! ((:

haha, okay, i better go off before my brother murders me for hogging onto the comp, and im doing a favour for ber !

thank You Lord, for volume control

throw me a lifeline
8:55 PM

___________________________